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Haynes Manual Explained

From: Jens Jakob Andersen

Now I understand better why I get so much trouble at the car, when it looked so easy in the Haynes:

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with visegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell, bucko!

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start;
now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox...

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a BIG can of WD40...

Haynes: Retain small spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly took my eye out!"

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: "OK - that's the glass part off, now use some good
pliers to dig out the base...

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your
forehead are throbbing...

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your mother could do this... so how did you manage to
botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a
low, tiny, little number... but you also thought the wiring diagram
was a map of the Tokyo underground.

Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear
at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the
garage for while muttering "Piece of Sh@t" repeatedly under your

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are
looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife, "Yep,
as I thought, it's broke!"

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself.

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much
harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided,
you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book but the thing you want
to do!

See Comments on this entry (F.W.I.W.)

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